Christmas is quickly approaching. For me, the last two Christmases have been the most bittersweet days.
On one hand I love it. I finally get to have the pure Christmas experience. Waking up on the 25th to a decorated Christmas tree, with family all around me. Spending the day watching movies, playing board games, decorating ginger bread houses that have were made from scratch the day before.
But on the other hand I’m full of heartache. And so conflicted. Do I call the family that I have been so hurt by? Do I let the past go, if only for one day. Do I tell them that I love them, and that I’m sorry that I can’t see them. Do I put my own feelings, my own hurt and anger aside.
I’ve ignored texts for weeks now. “What do you want for Christmas?” “Are you going to come visit when you’re on break?”
I know that I am going to try and have fun. Enjoy the holidays. Friendmas, Christmas, New Years. But how will family fit in? Will my anxiety and depression keep me from truly enjoying myself.
It sucks that I become so anxious about what is the most festive time of the year. But it’s also something that I’ve become so accustomed to.