The Battle

Addiction sucks.

 

It’s that simple…

Well, at least the big picture is that simple. It gets more complicated when you’re close to it. When it comes to your relationship with the addict it gets more complicated. It can be hard to separate the person from the disease. How much of the lies and the constant insults are truly meant?

My dad is in the hospital currently. As soon as I heard I got a flight and flew up to see him. I’ve been in the state for a week and yet have only been able to get myself to the hospital twice. It is so hard to see him in such a horrid state. He’s in the ICU. Yet in an ironic way he looks healthier than he has in years. He is decently hydrated and oxygenated for the first time in years. His skin actually has color. But for the first several days he was intubated, although he is now finally waking up.

But him being awake almost makes it harder to see him. No, it definitely makes it harder. He’s been in the hospital for 11 days. That’s 11 days away from alcohol. Which means that he is with drawing. So he is irritable. He even punched a nurse. SO he is restrained. With good reason, however it is hard to see him tied down.

It is hard to decide whether I need to be here near him, or if I should go home. I am missing class. College class, so I as missing a lot of work. I’m falling farther and farther behind. And I hate seeing him. He has hurt me (emotionally) several times. However, is it him or the disease?? STUPID ADDICTION!

 

Triggers

I’m a freshman in college, and I’m living on campus. I’m quickly realizing that that is a huge mistake. I’m surrounded by triggers 24/7.

I get it. It’s your first time living alone. Why not party? Drink, smoke, have the time of your life.

However, I can’t stand being around it. I makes me think of my dad and how sick he is. And how addiction can completely destroy someone.

I’ve always said that when I grow up I’m never going to drink. For as long as I can remember, even in elementary school.

Then high school came around and I was like fuck that. I drank, and had my fun.

But now even being around other people drinking is such a trigger. It makes me anxious, puts me on edge.

So now here I am, living in a college dorm. Surrounded by people partying. And I’m sober, and can’t handle being around any of it.

I’m trying to figure out if moving Home is the right thing. But wherever I go, alcohol will be there. It’s not a trigger I can avoid. I need to learn to live with it.

Realization

My dad has been a recovering alcoholic the majority of my life. And when he wasn’t a recovering alcoholic he was simply an alcoholic. I wasn’t always able to tell if he was currently drinking, but I know for sure that he is now.

My high school graduation was a few months ago, and he was hospitalized. He tried to go into rehab 3 days prior to the ceremony so he could see my speech and be there for me— sober. However, withdrawals suck. He was moved to intensive care and told if he left the hospital he would die.

Later that week came the news that he would need a new liver. Furthermore, that if he was to get a transplant he would need to be sober for five years, and that he wasn’t going to make it five years. Recently I was informed that that number was brought down to two years.

It hadn’t really hit me. I’ve know for a while how sick he is, but it didn’t really truly hit me until recently. I was watching a movie about some college kids and a girl said her dad was far gone. Then I realized that someday soon that would be me.

I realized that my dad wouldn’t make it to walk me down the isle. To meet his grandchildren. I still haven’t truly processed it yet, but it’s definitely starting to hit me.

Addiction is a horrible disease. Not only has it limited my time with my father, but it’s made it so that a lot of the memories I do have of him are affected. The memories of his drunken attempts of parenting will always stick with me. I love him so much, but it’s hard to separate the man from the disease sometimes.