This will hopefully be the first of many posts. An outlet for me to share my feelings, struggles, stories, and simply be unapologetically me.
First of all, this isn’t a place full of bright and happy. I struggle with depression and anxiety. In order to remain honest, many of my stories will be dark and twisty~ just like Grey’s Anatomy.
Tonight, was a low for me so I decided to start this blog. I reached a moment where I had no idea what to do, where to turn to. In the past months my father, a recovering alcoholic relapsed. Triggering my anxiety and depression to skyrocket. And moving out, starting college is not making anything more manageable.
It’s a Saturday night, and only the second week of college. I should be off partying. However, because of my father’s newly lacking sobriety, alcohol is one of MANY triggers for me. Making the whole college social life experience a bit difficult. Luckily, I’m not too far from home, and still have supports I can turn to. Friends that didn’t go away to school, family, and of course my amazing therapist.
But tonight, was a night where nothing in particular went wrong. I went to the movies with some friends and came back to my dorm early. Then anxiety struck. Just me alone in my dorm, not in danger, not in a stressful social situation, just alone. Yet I felt so misplaced, like something was so wrong.
So, I did the usual array of coping techniques. I did a yoga video, read some of my book, even tried binging some Netflix. But NOPE. No relief. So, then I turned to my one not so healthy coping mechanism. Cutting. I’ve been cutting for a few months now, but never seriously hurt myself.
I’m not sure why I do it. The relief is instant, however minimal and very short lived. But standing in front of a mirror, my stomach dripping in blood I still felt no relief.
Sometimes I find that nothing helps, and that you just have to hope that you are strong enough to keep going. Or strong enough to reach out for help. So tonight, I’m going to sleep, or at least attempting to sleep, with the feeling of anxiety in my chest, and hopelessness in my heart.
*If you or someone you know is in need of help, NEVER be ashamed. Reaching out is one of the strongest things you can do.