Self Harm… Part II

If you’ve read my previous post, you know that I have been a cutter for a while now. It’s become a negative coping skill that I turn to quite often. It has always been something that even though I do it, I’ve never really understood why.

Of course there is the obvious fact that it is a distraction and something to focus on, it has always perplexed me how I could physically harm myself. But last night as I looked myself in the mirror and took a razor blade to myself, something clicked. I cut because it makes me feel as though my pain is justified.

Every day I feel so hurt. Between depression, anxiety, and just my general disfunction, I always feel upset, feel hurt. But I also feel guilty for feeling this way. Like it isn’t justified. But when I’m cutting, I can see all my scars, I can see blood. In the moment, although I’m in pain it feels justified. It feels like I finally have a right to feel hurt.

Although I hate that I cut, last night it finally made sense to me. It isn’t for a distraction. It is for a moment of relief from the guilt.

One thought on “Self Harm… Part II”

  1. I think everyone has a different reason for self-harm, and discovering yours can be a powerful moment. I’m glad to hear you think you’ve discovered a little bit more of why you feel the need for physical pain, justifying what doesn’t feel right inside.

    For me it was never about the pain; it was about seeing the blood, the aesthetic of bleeding and the release of emotion that came with it. For what it’s worth, I haven’t cut now in over a decade, although my arms are scarred to the point that I can’t wear short sleeves at work.

    I can’t say I’d want you to continue hurting yourself, but I do understand the compulsion. Thank you for sharing, and for starting this blog. There are always people here who are willing to listen.

    Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

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